I am back!

I will start my blog again. I have been absent for so long. I don’t have an excuse for that. I tried a new blog, it was not successful. I really hope my readers will come back. I still do not know what is haunting me. When I sleep, when I am awake, all the time. That is why I am starting here again. Maybe one day I can find out what haunts me. Someday, not now.

I am happy, but at the same time I am not happy at all.. My life is falling together again, but not the same way as before. I do believe I have anger problems. When someone pisses me off, I can be bitchy and fool around and pretending to be joking about, but on the inside I mean it. I am such an awful person. I can still not believe my boyfriend wants to be with me, and spend the rest of our life together. I love him for holding out with me. He is the one that sees my worst side, more than the good side. I hope everything will be better.

Lately I have listen a lot to music, specially Birdy. This is my favorite song.


Our Game

I’ve played it your way… on your terms.
Unsure what you’ve been doing but following your lead.
My heart open, patiently waiting for you to regain focus, waiting for you to move your eyes away from that little screen and back to us.
I’ve played it your way… on your terms.
But my dreams remind me constantly.
My body and mind aching for what has been denied me for 2+ years.
I’ve played it your way long enough… now it’s my turn.
I’ve had two years of craving.
My patience is dwindling.
What I hunger for is not just a want, it is an essential necessity.
It’s an indescribable need.
I’ve played it your way long enough… now it’s my turn.
No longer should you deny us of something that brought us both such extreme pleasure.
Force yourself inside me.
I want to feel your fingers on my lips.
Your hands around my throat making me quiver with desire and anticipation of what’s to come.
That sting against my flesh.
My body weak from indulging you.
Me, crawling back for more.
Back arched, head down…
Let OUR game begin.

I’m back!

I am truly sorry that I have not blogged lately. I just came home from my vacation in Canary Islands. Amazing place. Got tanned as well. I will start blogging again, and I really hope I will get back all of my readers. You are the ones that make me still blog, and I hope as many people will read my blog again! Maybe send a link to your friends, share my blog on Facebook, Tumblr etc. I will blog more, when I get more readers :) 


“For a kiss to be really good, you want it to mean something. You want it to be with someone you can’t get out of your head, so that when your lips finally touch you feel it everywhere. A kiss so hot and deep you never want to come up for air.” ~Alex Karev (Grey’s Anatomy)

Kiss me hard, kiss me long and never let go.


I am dead

My life was complete
But now it’s not
I lost it all, because I fought.
She made me alive
Now I am dead
I’m laying here
Crying in my bed
Life is worthless
Why should I try
All I want to do
Is Lay here and die
It had only been two days
but that is all I need
To get a last chance
Before she leaves
One last chance
To turn it around
Hoping she won’t turn me down
All I want to do
is hold her tight.And make his dreams come true tonight. That once and for all I can make him happy, instead of screaming, yelling
making life crappy.I’m sorry for what I have done.This is coming from my heart.I’m just asking.For a brand new start.For you are my life.Without you I am nothing.So give it one last chance and I will make it into something. I love you too much.I can’t let you go.So look into my eyes and say I love you so.

A story – my teenage depression

Unknowingly I was suffering from teenage depression. I remember being told that High School was supposed to be the happiest years of my life but it was one of the darkest times in my life. On the outside, I was named Athlete of the Year and Student of the Year a couple of times but I sure didn’t feel like it inside.

I remember thinking seriously about suicide. I’m sure that would have been a shock to everyone if I had actually done it. On the outside I was outgoing and knew just about everyone’s name in the school, but inside I was dying!

“I have learned a lot from your information and will try to put these things in to practice, concerning listening to my emotions because I know I have suffered from damaged emotions! Also, I do believe that we have to put into our bodies the right nutrition for right brain function, also a right attitude of life.” – Elizabeth.

I didn’t go out much on weekends ‘cause I was terrified of people. During the day I was the outgoing jock and the one whom other students came to for help. But, I remember on Friday nights just terrified if someone would ask me to go out with them to a party or something. That is the nature of teenage depression.

I look back at my high school years and wish I could have enjoyed myself more. At the time high school couldn’t have gone by fast enough. To pass the time, I got involved in everything I could. Other days, I just wanted to sleep the entire day.

Some days I remember my mom asking me what was wrong. It took everything in me to fight back the tears and put on a strong image that I was okay. For some reason, I didn’t feel comfortable sharing about my fears and anxieties.

I tried to hide my teenage depression until one day a girl in her 20s was visiting our house. She was on a drama tour that came to our school. My dad was a teacher at our school so he opened our home to billet some of the actors. She and I had some great talks. She saw right through my tough act. She started asking me questions that went to the core of my heart. She tried desperately to convince me of my value. She finally went to bed at midnight after talking from 7pm.

The next morning, she woke up and looked terrible. I asked her what was wrong. She said she couldn’t sleep all night. She was worried about me and prayed for me all through the night. She said that I could have teenage depression and explained that it is a common illness that could be treated. She made me promise to go to the doctor. I was a bit surprised and said ‘yes’; secretly meaning ‘whatever’ inside. She left to return home and a few days later my mom and I were having an argument; over what I can’t remember. I saw how I hurt my mom and told her I think I needed to go to the doctor. I told her what the actor had said to me about teenage depression.

My mom picked up the phone immediately and made a doctor’s appointment. She shared with me how my aunt suffered from depression too. I couldn’t believe it. My aunt was the most hilarious person I’ve ever met. My mom saw a connection.

I went to the doctor and he asked me a series of questions which I all answered ‘yes’ to. (See the depression test link below). It was clear I had depression. He put me on a treatment immediately. I couldn’t believe the improvement it made.

All this to say, if you’re a teen and you suffer from any of these symptoms, you’re not alone! Since suffering through my own teenage depression, I’ve learned that depression affects as many as one in eight teenagers. Go see your doctor and tell him the results of taking the depression test.

Signed broken

Dear Boy,
Here I am sitting up late again after I told myself that I wouldn’t wait for you to finally send me some stupid message over a stupid social networking site even though I know you have my phone number. I thought that we could have something real. I just don’t understand you what so ever – one minute you go from on fire to ice cold. You got what you wanted. All I wanted was to get to know you better. I miss you like hell. I wish that I didn’t care about you anymore, it would be so much easier. Did I do something wrong? I just wish I knew how or what you feel…