I’m done crying myself to sleep every night, but shit just sucks..

I can’t sleep anymore. I’m too afraid of the monsters that will creep into my mind as I begin to drift off. Every time, every time I close my eyes I have these sick fantasies of me dragging the blade down my forearm, draining the blood from my body. Or I picture myself standing at the top of a skyscraper, feeling the gentle nug of the wind, daring me to step forward. My hands beginning to tremble as I see myself holding the cold metal of the gun directly on my temple. I feel my arm shoot back the moment the trigger is pulled. Open for the last time, my eyes see the walls splatter with my blood like paint.

I just sit here on my bed. Knees pulled tightly to my chest as I rock back and forth. The tears flow from my eyes uncontrollably now. “I want to die” I silently whisper to myself.

My life is on repeat. Fake the smile, break down at night. This routine is too familiar. I can’t keep going on like this. It’s weird to say, but I feel so lost. I am stuck in a labyrinth of suffering and pain. I scream but no sound comes out. I have fallen victim of my own thoughts, my own depression.

Even though I feel like I’m completely worthless I am still searching. I am on this endless journey to find the one thing in my life worth waking up for. I am not exactly sure what I am looking for, but I am holding on to some hope that one day my mind will be at ease. The smiles won’t be fake and I will look in the mirror without breaking down. The scars will fade and my pain will disappear. Finally, I will be happy.

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