To have a friend, be a friend

That is how the cliche goes right? What does that really mean… “be a friend”… I think it means being there for someone when they need you. Being able to listen to them when they need to talk and not necessarily asking for advice. Being kind and thoughtful…. and I could go on and on about the qualities of a good friend. I think I am a good friend. I have those qualities… many of them being very strong charictaristics of my being. On my facebook I have 178 friends…. most are superficial… they added me because they know my name we are aquainted. I have a few good friends that actually know me and talk to me… But are they really my friends? Why does it seem that when ever I need a good friend… some one that I can go see that it feels like they are avoiding me. The conversations dwindle…. getting together slows…. until it all becomes nothing. No one calls me to go out or hang out. I try to call people but they always tell me that they are busy. So I think I am ready to give up. I surrender and accept that I am destined to be alone forever. It makes me sad to know that for the rest of my life everyone I encounter will become acquaintences… with no personal connection. I relate to a lot of people, am interested in similar things as others and I make the effort. But it’s not good enough I am not good enough. I don’t think that I am loveable or likeable. There is something about me that makes people stay away and I have no idea what it is. What makes me unapproachable? I know that I have flaws and I am not perfect even though some days I try extremely hard… am I TOO ugly to be seen with or around? I know I am not the prettiest girl in the world…

People need other people…. the interaction… the touch of a hug or friendly pat… Maybe that is why I got into my eating disorder… I never had friends… I was always alone… I never did belong. Now its the same. I don’t have friends. I am always alone. I still don’t belong. People tell me that I have to put forward the effort… I have. Repeatedly. They tell me that I need to get involved with things with people that have like interests. Been there done that. Didn’t work. Now I don’t have time. I wake-up at 4:30 am get ready for work arrive at 6:30am stay until at least 7:30 pm sometimes later… rarely earlier. arrive home by 8:30 or 9:00pm. Who wants to go out at that time when you have to get up at 4:30 am? In order to get the proper amount of sleep I would need to be asleep by 8 pm. Not possible because it takes time to unwind from such a long day. 99 percent of the time it takes 2 hours for me to finally be relaxed enough by then I am limited to 6 hours left of time to sleep. And since I have sleep issues it takes at least another hour or two to fall asleep without the ambien. Obviously I need it to sleep however you have to have a minimum of 8 hours that can be dedicated to sleep… not possible. I would have to take it at work and then drive home… not a good idea.

Either I surrender and give up any hope of having friends and a life or I quit the job that supports me and pays my bills… hmmm I will admit I am pretty depressed lately and I am tempted to just end it all and make the pain go away. But no worries I am past that part… so I think. The idea was fleeting but who’s to say if things got bad enough that I wouldn’t try? Maybe this is all my fault…. maybe everyone can see my scars and it scares them away. What ever it is… I just know it really sucks.

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