I am back!


I will start my blog again. I have been absent for so long. I don’t have an excuse for that. I tried a new blog, it was not successful. I really hope my readers will come back. I still do not know what is haunting me. When I sleep, when I am awake, all the time. That is why I am starting here again. Maybe one day I can find out what haunts me. Someday, not now.

I am happy, but at the same time I am not happy at all.. My life is falling together again, but not the same way as before. I do believe I have anger problems. When someone pisses me off, I can be bitchy and fool around and pretending to be joking about, but on the inside I mean it. I am such an awful person. I can still not believe my boyfriend wants to be with me, and spend the rest of our life together. I love him for holding out with me. He is the one that sees my worst side, more than the good side. I hope everything will be better.

Lately I have listen a lot to music, specially Birdy. This is my favorite song.

Our Game


I’ve played it your way… on your terms.
Unsure what you’ve been doing but following your lead.
My heart open, patiently waiting for you to regain focus, waiting for you to move your eyes away from that little screen and back to us.
I’ve played it your way… on your terms.
But my dreams remind me constantly.
My body and mind aching for what has been denied me for 2+ years.
I’ve played it your way long enough… now it’s my turn.
I’ve had two years of craving.
My patience is dwindling.
What I hunger for is not just a want, it is an essential necessity.
It’s an indescribable need.
I’ve played it your way long enough… now it’s my turn.
No longer should you deny us of something that brought us both such extreme pleasure.
Force yourself inside me.
I want to feel your fingers on my lips.
Your hands around my throat making me quiver with desire and anticipation of what’s to come.
That sting against my flesh.
My body weak from indulging you.
Me, crawling back for more.
Back arched, head down…
Let OUR game begin.

I’m back!


I am truly sorry that I have not blogged lately. I just came home from my vacation in Canary Islands. Amazing place. Got tanned as well. I will start blogging again, and I really hope I will get back all of my readers. You are the ones that make me still blog, and I hope as many people will read my blog again! Maybe send a link to your friends, share my blog on Facebook, Tumblr etc. I will blog more, when I get more readers :) 

Kiss


“For a kiss to be really good, you want it to mean something. You want it to be with someone you can’t get out of your head, so that when your lips finally touch you feel it everywhere. A kiss so hot and deep you never want to come up for air.” ~Alex Karev (Grey’s Anatomy)

Kiss me hard, kiss me long and never let go.

 
 Image

I am dead


My life was complete
But now it’s not
I lost it all, because I fought.
She made me alive
Now I am dead
I’m laying here
Crying in my bed
Life is worthless
Why should I try
All I want to do
Is Lay here and die
It had only been two days
but that is all I need
To get a last chance
Before she leaves
One last chance
To turn it around
Hoping she won’t turn me down
All I want to do
is hold her tight.And make his dreams come true tonight. That once and for all I can make him happy, instead of screaming, yelling
making life crappy.I’m sorry for what I have done.This is coming from my heart.I’m just asking.For a brand new start.For you are my life.Without you I am nothing.So give it one last chance and I will make it into something. I love you too much.I can’t let you go.So look into my eyes and say I love you so.

A story – my teenage depression


Unknowingly I was suffering from teenage depression. I remember being told that High School was supposed to be the happiest years of my life but it was one of the darkest times in my life. On the outside, I was named Athlete of the Year and Student of the Year a couple of times but I sure didn’t feel like it inside.

I remember thinking seriously about suicide. I’m sure that would have been a shock to everyone if I had actually done it. On the outside I was outgoing and knew just about everyone’s name in the school, but inside I was dying!

“I have learned a lot from your information and will try to put these things in to practice, concerning listening to my emotions because I know I have suffered from damaged emotions! Also, I do believe that we have to put into our bodies the right nutrition for right brain function, also a right attitude of life.” – Elizabeth.

I didn’t go out much on weekends ‘cause I was terrified of people. During the day I was the outgoing jock and the one whom other students came to for help. But, I remember on Friday nights just terrified if someone would ask me to go out with them to a party or something. That is the nature of teenage depression.

I look back at my high school years and wish I could have enjoyed myself more. At the time high school couldn’t have gone by fast enough. To pass the time, I got involved in everything I could. Other days, I just wanted to sleep the entire day.

Some days I remember my mom asking me what was wrong. It took everything in me to fight back the tears and put on a strong image that I was okay. For some reason, I didn’t feel comfortable sharing about my fears and anxieties.

I tried to hide my teenage depression until one day a girl in her 20s was visiting our house. She was on a drama tour that came to our school. My dad was a teacher at our school so he opened our home to billet some of the actors. She and I had some great talks. She saw right through my tough act. She started asking me questions that went to the core of my heart. She tried desperately to convince me of my value. She finally went to bed at midnight after talking from 7pm.

The next morning, she woke up and looked terrible. I asked her what was wrong. She said she couldn’t sleep all night. She was worried about me and prayed for me all through the night. She said that I could have teenage depression and explained that it is a common illness that could be treated. She made me promise to go to the doctor. I was a bit surprised and said ‘yes’; secretly meaning ‘whatever’ inside. She left to return home and a few days later my mom and I were having an argument; over what I can’t remember. I saw how I hurt my mom and told her I think I needed to go to the doctor. I told her what the actor had said to me about teenage depression.

My mom picked up the phone immediately and made a doctor’s appointment. She shared with me how my aunt suffered from depression too. I couldn’t believe it. My aunt was the most hilarious person I’ve ever met. My mom saw a connection.

I went to the doctor and he asked me a series of questions which I all answered ‘yes’ to. (See the depression test link below). It was clear I had depression. He put me on a treatment immediately. I couldn’t believe the improvement it made.

All this to say, if you’re a teen and you suffer from any of these symptoms, you’re not alone! Since suffering through my own teenage depression, I’ve learned that depression affects as many as one in eight teenagers. Go see your doctor and tell him the results of taking the depression test.

Signed broken


Dear Boy,
Here I am sitting up late again after I told myself that I wouldn’t wait for you to finally send me some stupid message over a stupid social networking site even though I know you have my phone number. I thought that we could have something real. I just don’t understand you what so ever – one minute you go from on fire to ice cold. You got what you wanted. All I wanted was to get to know you better. I miss you like hell. I wish that I didn’t care about you anymore, it would be so much easier. Did I do something wrong? I just wish I knew how or what you feel…
Signed,
Broken

The search never ends…


My words hold no meaning to me any more. My actions mean nothing to me. My dedication is my only attribute. There is only one placement for this feature. It lies with the butterfly.

Where has the wisdom gone, and when will it return? Does my heart truly belong to me no longer? Is what I possess now just a construct, an artificial heart in the spiritual and emotional sense? Is this device incapable of recording and projecting real energy? Am I with less of a life now then I had been before?

So many questions that I cannot answer. So many questions that no one can answer. Spectations can be made, and conclusions can be drawn, but they are only dust flung into an endless ocean. Nothing makes it whole.

The songs that used to amplify my state of being now provide nothing more than an aurally pleasing stimulus. I cannot feel the strings of true emotion pulled any more. I don’t feel love, yet I know that I deal it. It resonates within the butterfly. I can translate the feeling of love from her as well, yet cannot apply it, and store it. I cannot feel myself or anything else. There are no longer periods of time my heart bookmarks with scents, sounds, and feelings. The color is gone. The feeling is gone.

I am not depressed. I am happy. I am happy with what I am now because that’s how this new template was designed. The empty brackets within this new self simply do not contain any additional code. There is nothing more than cold steel and empty spaces within this character. I am a hollow man searching for the means to feel again. The butterfly gave me what no other could. She rescued me, she gave me a gift that I cherish more than any other in this world. I rely on her, for she is my future. I love her. This I know. I do not feel this. This does not mean that this love doesn’t exist. I would contradict that to my very end.

More words have flowed into this page that reverberate within none but a shadow that no longer exists, and those who could scry the floor which it lay. I am vague. I am cryptic. A pride? No. The only means with which I have to convey this……idea.

The search never ends…..

I miss him, I really do


I miss him, your heart whispers a silent thought yet your mind denies the fact that you really do.
Break ups are normal. It is a part of every person’s developing life and to be able to accept the fact that you miss someone makes you close to finally accepting that there are people who stay and there are those who simply can’t stay.
After break ups, girls usually go through stages of healing before finally accepting the fact that the relationship has finally ended and by admitting to oneself I miss him, or you really miss the person makes you even closer to acceptance.
The first stage that a girl has to go through after a break up is anger. Frustration and anger mixed together are normal. Unable to accept that the relationship has ended makes every girl angry, to herself or to the guy. More anger and frustration even triggers the girl’s emotion when she finds out that she had been replaced with someone else or was cheated. Tears will flow like a river and regrets will be a part of your sentiments although at the back of your help, I miss him, is what you are still screaming.
After that comes denial. Denying that the other person has finally decided to move on leaving you behind will leave you to greater course of denial and here comes the feeling of the girl wanting to say I miss him but still in denial about feeling the feeling.
Break ups are normal and healing is a process. You cannot pass through the final stage without passing by the stages before that. Denial is the second stage of the process towards healing a broken heart. After that comes hoping in a reconciliation. It is not bad to hope that something can reconcile but in the process of healing a break up, girls usually dreamily hopes for this reconciliation to take place.
Lastly, come acceptance. This is the last step that you have to undergo through for you to have a fully recovered heart. Although you may think to yourself, I miss him; you have already come to accept that no matter how hard you try to make your relationship work, the other party has already left you and has moved on with his or her life.
Moving on is also a process, it is not about forgetting what you have been through but learning to accept that the best things in life are a matter of mind setting and although you may tell yourself, I miss him, the fact that it has already ended still remain to be the same.

Hands


“It would begin so tenderly and she would melt into the gentle strength behind her but the moment she felt that hand wrapping slowly about her willing throat and pulling her up for a deep kiss she knew this was going to be a gasping, often breathless savage monsoon fuck ride.” – Source Unknown
It’s incredible what your well placed hands can do to me.